Grover Hot Springs, Saturday June 27, 2009 midnight
Unfortunately for you and the Central CA standard car boys, I wasn't at the last race at Laguna. Oh no, I
wasn't a team player that weekend. No I had to go racing at T-Hill with an Aerial Atom, the Corvettes and the
unwashed fendered masses. But you're sick to death of that kind of race report, so we'll move on. (hey
don't laugh too quickly about that Aerial Atom: (245 Hp, driven by youthful
talent and a sack full of testosterone makes a big difference, let me tell ya).
And since the guys at Laguna didn't feed me a bunch of real juicy (hate and discontent) stories, I can't do a proper race report. So, I will simply clarify some old misconception and apologize like David Letterman for his A-Rod joke (which just incidentally
included Palin's daughter). I can't hold a candle to Dave's hate mail, but I got a few semi-hostile
questions. So let's open the old mailbag and set the record straight.
The first one refers to a nickname: Mr. John "Widebody" Ertel
Hey Mr. FM #13, I swallow a lot of stuff, but not the idea that the very svelte John Ertel is a Widebody. What's up
with that? And if that hottie is available, let me know.
A MILF in Mill Valley.
Well, Ms MILF, you'll be happy to know that "widebody" is a racing term for a competitor who's hard (no pun intended) to pass, in the sense
that when the guy behind him is about to pass, the lead car suddenly seems about 12 feet wide. However, you'll be
unhappy to know that particular hottie is locked up, as they say.
Here's one about Jim Mali when he found his new pro car in the T-3A wall at Infineon.
'Dude, we surf with Jim-bob and happen to have scoped out a race or 2 of his.
Just like riding a Maverick's monster, he's fast, clean and well capable of handling a
pro FM. WTF you tryin' to say with "what else is new?" takling about him crashing his new pro
car?
Santa Cruz chapter of Butthole Surfers
Much grass to you BH dudes for bringing that up. I ain't dishing on Jimbo's in-car abilities; it's just
that he's the tabloid talk of the paddock when A-arms and rod ends break on him with alarming frequency. As
he's pointed out through the years, " I am the one that $hit happens to, so that it doesn't have to happen to you" meaning that he somehow
manages to suck up all the bad karma in the surrounding 6 counties. So if you didn't know that already, you better
hope Jimmy's on his board with you when you see a Great White fin surface. Party on.
The next one addresses my description of the General's penchant for what sometimes appears to be wild "Hail
Mary" passes on wankers like me.
Mr. SS Racing, I take issue with your portrayal of Mr. Weaver's passing abilities and techniques. Upon careful
research of his racing history, I find that agent double -oh- 6-7, as he's known around here, has never been
responsible for any contact, reckless driving or protests from other drivers. Being in insurance, we make many
risk/reward decisions and if you ever had the privilege, as I have, of watching him come into the office with his hair on fire and golf shoes shined, ready to
sign up another million $ policy, you'd know you're in "good hands".
And BTW, as I ceremoniously buff the head of his driver, I slap him on the butt and remind him to let the
client win. Hasn't happened yet, but he's working it.
Miss Moneypenny, thank you for your careful and thorough research. You're
absolutely correct that my observations are strictly personal and subjective. It's quite possible that he's in
total control and just makes it look more dicey than it is, either because he's just having fun or reinforcing his intimidating "General" aura
and reputation. I'm sure he'd never waste any time just rattling my cage since he likes to quickly get his
qually lap in and get back to the paddock to pimp his "Fresno Fresco" ride.
<Later that weekend>: Well, I see we have a few more inches of print to fill, so let's do an interview with some real famous FM racers. Oh look, there's that underfunded loveable old leprechaun himself, Derry O'Donovan.
Three Minutes with Fireball 77
So, uh, Derry, you got a few minutes to give us your name, rank and serial number? No mug shots, just the basics on who
you are and what makes you go so bloody fast.
1. Where did you grow up?
There are some who say I never grew up. I was born in Bournemouth, England. Lived in Hollywood. Burbank. Shallow Alto. San Carlos. (Ed: You'd never think someone as brash as that would be allowed to have a nice place in Napa, the wine capitol of CA.)
2. Were you good in school and how would teachers describe you? Not particularly. Latin specifically. My teachers
described me as "difficult." Thrown out of some of the better boarding schools.
3. Besides operating a race shop and data acquisition service, have you had other careers we should know about?
Air Force. Planting poles with PG&E and airbrush photo touch up. (Ed: Penthouse photos, I presume)
4. What sports did you pursue as a teenager/young man?
Racing from age 4. Stick-and-Ball sports put me to sleep. If it can't kill ya, I'm not interested. (Ed: you should see him raise his eyebrows at ya when he says that)
5. when did you start drag racing and why?
1964. Because it was accessible and I worked for the premier drag chassis builder of the time, Kent Fuller.
6. why did you switch to the FM from drag racing?
I switched from drag racing Top Alcohol Dragster to FM in 1994 when I was finally priced out of drag racing and I've never looked back. FM now is like drag racing was 20 years ago. Camaraderie. Good group of racers and friends.
7. What do you like about the new std car culture (post 03)?
I like the safety and consistent build quality of the carbon car. Being able to borrow parts is a great feature.
8. What do you miss about the old std car culture (pre-04)?
I miss the bigger fields of "aggressive" FMs. I love the fact that a std FM needs to be wrestled into submission to go fast.
9. If someone gave you $30K to spend on another car and another $12k per year to race it, what would it be?
The only other car I'd consider is an FE, and I'm still not convinced.
10. Which 5 adjectives would you want people to use to describe you?
Fast. Honest. Skilled. Intelligent. Gorgeous.
Well, that's all the time we have for this month's balderdash. We're ½ way thru the season and Derry and
the General are locked in a dead heat at 301 points each. This could be interesting as it's a classic David and
Goliath face off. Bill is not about to give up his stranglehold on the class and although Derry could use the money,
he'd never admit to it since his tenacious red hair'd Irish pride drives him relentlessly. Check back in
exactly one month for the next exciting installment of Postcards. We will update the Standard car Championship of the
MFMC * and maybe compare Telo and
Mark to Max and Bernie.
Waddya think, could be fun, no?
* The Molecule Formula Mazda Challenge is sponsored by the altruistic Michael Guash and his fantastic Molecule cleaning products.
