If you've been paying attention recently, you're no doubt aware of the Portable Driver's Adviser ; what every driver should know about SCCA rules and process. Well that plus a recent influx to our San Fran group of standard car bad boys got me to thinking (a dangerous pastime of mine) about the need for a Portable FM Noob's Adviser; what every FM newbie should know about the unwritten mores and protocol of the standard car's modern day savoir-faire.
What's always been kind of comforting about the San Fran Region's band of FM weirdos is that each of us, as noobs, has heretofore, crept in the back door so to speak, sat down in the back row, taken notes and shown respect and point-bys for the Elders; the old timers who have been doing these cars for years. Traditionally, we quintessential midpackers then take in the real green noobs, get 'em oriented, and tell 'em what to say and do and what not say and do around the Elders. And it doesn't all come out over one six pack or bottle of Patron. Nosiree Bob, it takes awhile. Too many subtle nuances to convey which is difficult because they've come over to bother you about castor, camber, bump steer, fuel, and Marcie down at the Last Stand (the last outdoor standup bar in the country). Eventually they catch on and the younger ones, the wilder ones and the ones with good hands move cautiously toward the front, leaving us in the midpack nest to soldier on and await the next band of noobs. It's the cycle of life here in the FM land of bikinis, year round racing and round the clock traffic. A couple of examples of how this has worked since I've been on the midpack watch;
· Shawn and Doug. This odd couple sort of peeked in about 3 years ago with the 7th oldest car in FM history and a shoe string budget that made me blush and look away. They would dice around with me and others in the midpack even though they were young, fearless and both had 2 years of Russell racing notched on their belt. But it wasn't until last year that they started to kick sand at the midpack and charge off to hound Bill and Stew.
· Then there was the RockStar and his band who you know well if you've read any of my Postcards over the past 2 years. Just like Shawn and Doug, they hung out in the midpack and learned by experimenting. Craig had youth, motorcycles, Spec Miata racing and a Burning Man mentality motivating him. But, like Shawn, he also made a move to the front just last year, waving good-bye to those of us 2-3 seconds behind.
So, why expect anything to be different with this year's crop of 4 noobs who came out of nowhere (well maybe SRF and S2 aren't "nowhere"……….but close).
· First there was Bruce, a mature journeyman kart racer who bought Mali's car (Yes, unfortunately, he went off and painted it a nice bland silver gray that becomes literally invisible at speed.) His first race, late last year in a borrowed car, he was, oh…about 20 seconds off pole. This year, he's been quite P.C., and crept up into the midpack with virtually no fanfare. Always fun to see on track, he bobs and weaves, jukes and chops with the best of them. Case in point, last race, I come up on him in the 1st qually at about T-9 at Thunderhill. Going into 10, I give him a look inside, but nothing serious, just testing. He takes the corner, but knows I'm there. Down the back straight, I don't get a run on him, but brake late and see if he'll give me room. He does and we go side by side thru T-14. He takes the corner into 15, but gives me a point by about 1/2 down the front straight. Since the timing line is real close to the brake zone for T-1, I'm not surprised when he doesn't lift and give me a run on him. But with the point, one would think that either he's going to brake early and let me go or go side by side thru one with me. So, you can imagine my surprise when I see where he's taking us. Then I get a little concerned when I see this, and you don't want to hear what I was saying when I finally saw this. Check out the Racing Room paragraph from the Driver's Advisor. I'm having it framed for Bruce to hang in his trailer. Yepper, I'm gonna get some mileage out of this one.
· Woody is a Thunderhill neighborhood farmer who has raced SRF's for 20 years. He drives a pickup that is so dirty you can't tell if there's any paint on it, wears boots that you could spit on and thinks that P.C. stands for personal computer. And since he bought his car from Chaz, the engineer's Dilbert extraordinaire, he didn't need no midpack help and besides, he was just gonna race for his ownsake, thank you very much. Of course, being a farmer, he's used to risk and heartbreak, so fear of wrecking probably ain't in his blood. Besides, he's probably as old as me and figures he probably doesn't have much time left to go fast.
So, you wouldn't think that we would need a written set of rules for noobs in this group, would ya? But just like the Democrats breaking tradition and running a woman and black "teenager" on the ticket, here comes The Monkey and Mr. Moorespeed.
· The Monkey; where do you start with this one? Well, I guess I don't have to, since you've no doubt already read his first race report recently complete with video and bodacious tales of chasing Bill, yeah Bill of all people around T-Hill in the backwards configuration. Looking like a gamer still wet behind the ears, he showed up an hour or so before first practice with a ride height and rake that Robby Gordon would take to Baja. After we naively gave him some help with the ride height, tire pressures and what was good at the Deli, and laughingly told him to watch his mirrors, he does a cannonball right into the middle of our qualifying and race sessions and proceeds to give Stew more of a dice than he's had in, who knows, several seasons? Not so much as a 'by your leave' to us midpack buttinskys. Oh well, he'll be off to NASCAR before we even know his middle name.
· Then the next race, we meet Mr. Moorespeed, a refugee from the once powerful S2 tribe. For his first few minutes in the car, he putts around a few seconds/lap behind us midpack hooligans. That's the practice session and his introduction to the car, complete with a seat that slides around like it's designed to be an amusement ride and a shift pattern drawn on duct tape stuck to the steering wheel. Well, he got almost no time to savor the bizarre sight of "them nekkid tires" cause he has to change out a starter motor after he begs one from the ole' General Bill hisself, Bill apparently has a soft spot in his heart for noobs, helping and luring them on so he can ruthlessly kick their ass when they get cocky. Now understand that I had thoroughly briefed the midpack boys paddocked with Tim (Mr. Moorespeed) to make sure they gave him laughably bad information; kind of an initiation. You think they could get that done?? Well before the 2nd race of the weekend is over, Tim is way ahead of us midpack old farts and gunning for Stew while wondering if his car is still wired together OK. Well, he did take the initiation bait about a race report and wrote a good one, so I guess the midpack will slap him on the back along with the Monkey as they attack the Elders at the front.
So, as it becomes obvious to us all in 2008, we got guys who are not going to spend any time in the midpack and learn the necessary protocol of what it's like to properly be one of "those guys". Oh, no, they've got things to do and fun to be had. So, it's time to get some guidelines down for all the noobs to memorize and live by. Guaranteed there will be a test, as the Elders run tight ship. And so, we've come to this: The FM Uber-Critical Hardcore Etiquette Rules is born. (that's FUCHER for short) Here's a summary of the FUCHER. Let me know what you think.
Bribery: verboten with race officials but always encouraged when seeking help from an FM Elder
Car tech: any skullduggery intended to enter an ineligible car or person is simply not possible since the Elders will "help you" by scrutinizing your car for stuff that they hide much better.
Fraud: or any act prejudicial to the Saturday night BBQ will not be tolerated.
Reckless or rude driving; on track it is strictly forbidden; that is around other FM's. However it's highly recommended to be displayed around any cars with fenders and selected formula cars.
Failure to obey a direction or order of an Elder; could result in you being in the weeds during the next session.
Bad form bench racing: refusing to cooperate with, or contradicting an Elder in reporting or embellishing on the events of the day. Punishable by having your mojitos curtailed until your memory improves.
Unsportsmanlike conduct; ranges from the most severe: blocking or chopping off an Elder in a corner to (less severe) failing to blatantly block any car chasing an Elder to (mildly) bringing the wrong beer to the BBQ.
The Mali Wave; Named after the classic FM bad boy Jim Mali. Every noob needs to learn it and learn it well and hope they never are on the receiving end of one after violating one of the FUCHER's.
Well, there you have it. The FUCHER will have everything that's important for the
FM standard car noob venturing into the San Fran Region. It's the dawn of a new era.
Carry on.
